Hubby's finally here. Yay! Arrived June 28th. Hubby's been a darling. He's really good at getting to the root of my issues, and I really have issues still lingering from my mom's diagnosis of terminal cancer, her subsequent death, funeral, and the myriad of issues and suffering arising since, and as a result of my mom's death. I must deal with these issues to be successful in my dietetics studies, my relationships, and ultimately achieving success in my weight loss, considering that my weight really spiralled out of control after my mom's death.
Just in case you were wondering how boot camp went- It was a failure. I really did not have the motivation to do it. I ended up being like if I end up looking like an enormous pig, so be it ... It is what it is. These are my battle scars, and hubby will have to deal with them. And, he has been amazing. One night while we were in bed, he asked me why I had abandoned doing my skype exposees with him while he was still in the UK(To help with the passion side of things while we were separated by distance, I would give him peeks of myself in the buff while we were skype video calling). I stopped doing this, because I was becoming huge, and I did not feel sexy or think hubby would find me sexy). Anyways, when I told him my misgivings, he reacted in the polar opposite to what I expected. He was very supportive, and I felt secure in his continued passion for me. Love you hubby! Mom, thank you so much for introducing hubby and I to each other. You did well! I meela!
xoxo,
fat-dietitian-to-be
Monday, July 18, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
What do you love more?
I've been making changes in my thought processes and actions to ensure for a sustainable weight loss by not counting calories, by not weighing myself, not denying myself of favourite foods etc(i.e. not being too restrictive or military-like), but now I need to do a two-week bootcamp. Why the sudden change? Because my hubby is arriving in two weeks! He finally got a visa to come to Canada. Yay! But it is yikes for me due to my bulging body, including my bulging tummy(not pregnant). It has been a long time since him and I were in the same geographical location, and I do not want to loathe my body like I did the last time I visited him. Extra body weight is a big intimacy killer, and I definitely want to be intimate with hubby, and vice versa.
So, I will be doing 1,000 ab crunches a day, interspaced throught out the day, eliminating fried food, junk food and my beloved pink lemonade, and watching my portion sizes, or rather trying to watch my portion sizes. Success at weight loss boot camps is near impossible if we don't acknowledge the pain of what we are going to have to give up; our favourite fast foods, drastically changing our eating habits and exercise habits etc. Likewise we have to find an advantage or advantages that out-weigh the disadvantages of losing weight(either in bootcamps or more sustainably), or we won't succeed. For me, the advantage was intimacy. I treasure intimacy more than I treasure my beloved food. What are your advantages?
So, I will be doing 1,000 ab crunches a day, interspaced throught out the day, eliminating fried food, junk food and my beloved pink lemonade, and watching my portion sizes, or rather trying to watch my portion sizes. Success at weight loss boot camps is near impossible if we don't acknowledge the pain of what we are going to have to give up; our favourite fast foods, drastically changing our eating habits and exercise habits etc. Likewise we have to find an advantage or advantages that out-weigh the disadvantages of losing weight(either in bootcamps or more sustainably), or we won't succeed. For me, the advantage was intimacy. I treasure intimacy more than I treasure my beloved food. What are your advantages?
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Don't lose hope!
I had meant to write my next blog this Tuesday, but it could not wait. Today, I had a cathartic moment that will certainly impact my life, my perspectives, and hence my weight loss journey. I had meant to head to church then do my groceries, but it seems that the Big One Upstairs had other plans for me. When my alarm clock went off this morning, I hit the snooze button twice, and then finally got ready. However, by the time I headed out the door, church service was going to be pretty much over by the time I got there. As I took a couple steps out my apartment building, I was greeted by tons of cyclists whizzing down the nearby street. They were riding for the Tour de l'Isle, the Montreal Island cycling event created by Lance Armstrong to raise money for cancer research. It was a sight to behold. I wheeled my grocery cart along and people on the streets were standing by watching the cyclists whizz by. I thought to myself, why not watch too? I was not in a hurry to get anywhere. So, I parked myself and my grocery cart at the corner of the intersection where the cyclists were turning onto.
As, I watched, I was overcome with emotion. I thought that for many of these people, this was just a fun event to participate in, and be all idealistic. They were naive; they had not been affected by cancer. I used to be one of these people. Before returning to Canada, my dad had died of colon cancer. My mom and myself had believed that if he had been in Canada, he would not have died. When I was a candystriper at the Ottawa hospital, one of my top picks to volunteer at was the Grimes Center which was for people with cancer. I was so happy when I finally got placed there. I got to direct the patients to their appointments and weigh them. I thought that working in a cancer department was so sexy.
Mom felt that if dad had eaten his vegetables, he would not have gotten colon cancer. Later on in life after my mom suffered a fall, subsequent disability, and inability to continue in her career as a registered nurse, mom started reading about nutrition, buying supplements and alot of fresh produce, and other anti-cancer foods, and photocopying articles on foods to eat and giving these articles to me and my brother. With these foods and having both her parents live to their late eighties or later, mom was not going to get cancer, or so I thought.
My mom's interest in nutrition further fuelled my latter career choice; I got accepted into the McGill dietetics program for the fall of 2007. I was bright, enthusiastic, motivated and ready to take on the world. Then colon cancer struck, again. On June 24th, 2008, my mom's birthday, I boarded the train for Ottawa to celebrate my mom's 63rd birthday. My mom was in the hospital. She had been complaining of back pains the last time I had gone to see her, around my birthday in May. She had gone to the hospital then, and before heading back to Ottawa, I had seen her off in the hospital. I had not heard from her since; when I called her home phone, nobody picked up. I had called my brother and left a message, saying that I was having these crazy thoughts that mom was dead and stuff, and laughed the thoughts off on the message I left for my brother. My brother did not call back. A few days before my mom's birthday, my brother and I were able to get in touch. I wanted to know if mom was still in the hospital, or back in her apartment so I knew where to go to when I got in from Montreal. My brother said that my mom was still in the hospital. I think I must have asked how she was, and my brother simply said they were running some tests. I did not suspect anything.
I got in to Ottawa late in the morning. As I had not yet boutght my mom a present, I decided to do some present shopping. Getting presents for my mom was getting harder these days. She had pretty much all that she wanted or needed. In 2005, my mom had learnt that she was eligible for widow's benefits. Having these benefits greatly helped my mom, and she was no longer living on a meager disability benefit, so my mom had more money to buy what she wished. Plus, over the years, my brother and I had been getting her items that she had said she wanted or that we felt that she needed. So come June 2008, I could not really think of anything that my mom wanted or needed, save perhaps a nice wall portrait. As the place I would have gone to purchase this portrait was near my mom's apartment and I was not going to be going to mom's apartment, I chose instead to buy some nice knick knacks at Pharma Prix to make a get better package. My mom loved anything to do with the British royal family, so I found a magazine that dealt with royal families around the world, including the British one. My mom also loved Oil of Olay moisturizers, so I got her one. I picked up some other knick knacks that I can't recall. I got to the hospital and stopped by the flower shop to buy her some flowers and a complimentary get-better note to go with them, and then sat down on a bench in the hospital mall to wait for my brother. The details below are foggy as by necessity the brain has to forget things in order to decrease overwhelming grief.
My brother was late in coming. He did not appear to be his usual gruff self. We went up the elevator to my mother's ward. My brother took a little while at the nurse's station before we went to my mom's room. I think mom was sleeping when we got to her mom. We woke her up and she was not her usual self. She was very lethargic. We later learned that the nurses had given her alot of drugs. My brother had bought some stuff at Swiss Chalet and we sat down and he handed one take-out packet to me, and one to my mother, which he opened up. My mom looked at her packet and refused the fries, saying, she said "Maybe this(the fries) is why this is happening to me". I laughed at my mom's comment and said that it was nonsense, that fries could not be causing her back pain. My mother looked at my brother in some quizzical way. My brother then took me outside my mom's room, and going to the nurse's station together, he inquired of the nurse if there was a free conference room available for me and him to talk. There was no room, but my brother found an empty patient's room and sat me on a chair while he sat on the unmade patient's bed. He told me that mom had been diagnosed with metastatic colon cancer, and it was terminal, and that mom had not wanted him to tell me about the news until I was done with my spring classes as she did not want my studies to suffer. I went numb; I could not believe this was happening, it must all be a terrible mistake. Dad had died of colon cancer in 1990, colon cancer could not be taking my mom now.
June 24, 2008 was a day I would rather forget. My brother, who was living with a roomate in a 2 bedroom apt at the time, took me to mom's apartment to try and recuperate. He asked if I needed anything as he was going to get supplies to last me the next little while. The results of my mom's biopsy(the definitive confirmation of the diagnosis) would be ready the following day, and the medical team of social workers and other medical personnel would be meeting with us after. I did not really need much; I had no appetite, but given that I had originally only meant to spent the day in Ottawa(prior to the news) and then head back to Montreal to relax abit after my hard spring studies and get ready for my first dietetic placement, I had no toiletries. My brother went to purchase some items and I was left alone. I cried and cried and got a severe headache from all the crying. However, despite the pounding headache caused by my sobbing, I could not hold back the sobs. My brother got back, and had to provide me some headache medication. He wanted me to lie down and watch some television, but when I turned the television on, all I could think of was "Oh, this was mom's favourite television program(I was already beginning to think of her in the past tense). I just needed to cry. I needed my mommy. I went into the bathroom, and fully clothed, I sat in the bathtub and wept. The bathtub was like a cocoon, my mom's womb. My brother knocked on the door after I had been in there a while to make sure I was alright. I then went into my mom's bedroom, put on my mom's pink sweater that she wore around the apartment all the time, climbed into her bed, and lay in the fetal position under the blankets. I still needed mom. My mom's elderly mom in Nigeria still needed mom; my mom was her only child.
My mom died on October 16, 2008. Life was very hard after my mom's diagnosis, and one key event tarred my love of Quebec, and hence, the french people. After an event with a taxi dispatcher(I never had such a bad experience in Ottawa or Ontario for that fact) during the turbulent times of my mom's illness, my love affair with Montreal, the french people and the french language vanished. With my mom dying, my Montreal french dream was becoming a nightmare I wished that I could wake up from. To deal with this horrible nightmare, I turned to my drug of choice, food. Food was my happiness and my comfort. I tried to complete my studies in the allocated time; my original completion date was supposed to be December 2010, but I could not do it alone. Two months after I first started blogging about my weight loss journey, I had to withdraw from my dietetics studies in March 2010 to recuperate.
Fast forward to today. Things are much better. I have worked through alot of obstacles and I am reuniting with dietetics. This week, I received final confirmation that my husband(who I married six months after my mom's death) should be reunited with me in June after an excruciatingly long immigration process, and an excruciatingly long time apart(I last saw him in August 2009). I am back on the path to exercise and wellness, though I am still looking for a summer job. It does not help that my french is not that good; you need french for pretty much every job in Quebec. Learning french had to be put on a back-burner to focus on other things.
And, as I continued to watch the cyclists whizz by, I let the emotions flow over me. My cynicism gave way to sorrow, sorrow that cancer had taken away both my parents. People cheered on the cyclists, and the cyclists whizzed by in appreciation. They were full of hope, and later, I began to hope that no matter how stupid the hope was, that there would one day be a cure or cures for cancers of all sorts. A cyclist passing by, gave me a high five. My dad's last words to my mom on his death bed were "Don't lose hope!". It is indeed important to not lose hope in our daily struggles because hope, no matter how stupid it is, is better than the alternative, despair. Despair had destroyed my joie-de-vivre, my zeal for life, and without hope, my tough times felt even harder, and I turned to food to comfort me.
A little girl had been watching the cyclists, young and old whizz by. Some time later, she and a few of her friends donned their helments, mounted their bikes and joined the throng of cyclists with much enthusiasm. Later on, after I finished my grocery shopping, I sat on a bench and watched the passersby, enjoyed the sights and sounds of my Quebec neighbourhood, and joined the "throng" of passersby in enjoying the day. A few of the cyclists on the tour had exclaimed, "Vivre le Quebec!", and I too now raised my heart to echo that same sentiment.
xoxo, Fat dietitian-to-be
As, I watched, I was overcome with emotion. I thought that for many of these people, this was just a fun event to participate in, and be all idealistic. They were naive; they had not been affected by cancer. I used to be one of these people. Before returning to Canada, my dad had died of colon cancer. My mom and myself had believed that if he had been in Canada, he would not have died. When I was a candystriper at the Ottawa hospital, one of my top picks to volunteer at was the Grimes Center which was for people with cancer. I was so happy when I finally got placed there. I got to direct the patients to their appointments and weigh them. I thought that working in a cancer department was so sexy.
Mom felt that if dad had eaten his vegetables, he would not have gotten colon cancer. Later on in life after my mom suffered a fall, subsequent disability, and inability to continue in her career as a registered nurse, mom started reading about nutrition, buying supplements and alot of fresh produce, and other anti-cancer foods, and photocopying articles on foods to eat and giving these articles to me and my brother. With these foods and having both her parents live to their late eighties or later, mom was not going to get cancer, or so I thought.
My mom's interest in nutrition further fuelled my latter career choice; I got accepted into the McGill dietetics program for the fall of 2007. I was bright, enthusiastic, motivated and ready to take on the world. Then colon cancer struck, again. On June 24th, 2008, my mom's birthday, I boarded the train for Ottawa to celebrate my mom's 63rd birthday. My mom was in the hospital. She had been complaining of back pains the last time I had gone to see her, around my birthday in May. She had gone to the hospital then, and before heading back to Ottawa, I had seen her off in the hospital. I had not heard from her since; when I called her home phone, nobody picked up. I had called my brother and left a message, saying that I was having these crazy thoughts that mom was dead and stuff, and laughed the thoughts off on the message I left for my brother. My brother did not call back. A few days before my mom's birthday, my brother and I were able to get in touch. I wanted to know if mom was still in the hospital, or back in her apartment so I knew where to go to when I got in from Montreal. My brother said that my mom was still in the hospital. I think I must have asked how she was, and my brother simply said they were running some tests. I did not suspect anything.
I got in to Ottawa late in the morning. As I had not yet boutght my mom a present, I decided to do some present shopping. Getting presents for my mom was getting harder these days. She had pretty much all that she wanted or needed. In 2005, my mom had learnt that she was eligible for widow's benefits. Having these benefits greatly helped my mom, and she was no longer living on a meager disability benefit, so my mom had more money to buy what she wished. Plus, over the years, my brother and I had been getting her items that she had said she wanted or that we felt that she needed. So come June 2008, I could not really think of anything that my mom wanted or needed, save perhaps a nice wall portrait. As the place I would have gone to purchase this portrait was near my mom's apartment and I was not going to be going to mom's apartment, I chose instead to buy some nice knick knacks at Pharma Prix to make a get better package. My mom loved anything to do with the British royal family, so I found a magazine that dealt with royal families around the world, including the British one. My mom also loved Oil of Olay moisturizers, so I got her one. I picked up some other knick knacks that I can't recall. I got to the hospital and stopped by the flower shop to buy her some flowers and a complimentary get-better note to go with them, and then sat down on a bench in the hospital mall to wait for my brother. The details below are foggy as by necessity the brain has to forget things in order to decrease overwhelming grief.
My brother was late in coming. He did not appear to be his usual gruff self. We went up the elevator to my mother's ward. My brother took a little while at the nurse's station before we went to my mom's room. I think mom was sleeping when we got to her mom. We woke her up and she was not her usual self. She was very lethargic. We later learned that the nurses had given her alot of drugs. My brother had bought some stuff at Swiss Chalet and we sat down and he handed one take-out packet to me, and one to my mother, which he opened up. My mom looked at her packet and refused the fries, saying, she said "Maybe this(the fries) is why this is happening to me". I laughed at my mom's comment and said that it was nonsense, that fries could not be causing her back pain. My mother looked at my brother in some quizzical way. My brother then took me outside my mom's room, and going to the nurse's station together, he inquired of the nurse if there was a free conference room available for me and him to talk. There was no room, but my brother found an empty patient's room and sat me on a chair while he sat on the unmade patient's bed. He told me that mom had been diagnosed with metastatic colon cancer, and it was terminal, and that mom had not wanted him to tell me about the news until I was done with my spring classes as she did not want my studies to suffer. I went numb; I could not believe this was happening, it must all be a terrible mistake. Dad had died of colon cancer in 1990, colon cancer could not be taking my mom now.
June 24, 2008 was a day I would rather forget. My brother, who was living with a roomate in a 2 bedroom apt at the time, took me to mom's apartment to try and recuperate. He asked if I needed anything as he was going to get supplies to last me the next little while. The results of my mom's biopsy(the definitive confirmation of the diagnosis) would be ready the following day, and the medical team of social workers and other medical personnel would be meeting with us after. I did not really need much; I had no appetite, but given that I had originally only meant to spent the day in Ottawa(prior to the news) and then head back to Montreal to relax abit after my hard spring studies and get ready for my first dietetic placement, I had no toiletries. My brother went to purchase some items and I was left alone. I cried and cried and got a severe headache from all the crying. However, despite the pounding headache caused by my sobbing, I could not hold back the sobs. My brother got back, and had to provide me some headache medication. He wanted me to lie down and watch some television, but when I turned the television on, all I could think of was "Oh, this was mom's favourite television program(I was already beginning to think of her in the past tense). I just needed to cry. I needed my mommy. I went into the bathroom, and fully clothed, I sat in the bathtub and wept. The bathtub was like a cocoon, my mom's womb. My brother knocked on the door after I had been in there a while to make sure I was alright. I then went into my mom's bedroom, put on my mom's pink sweater that she wore around the apartment all the time, climbed into her bed, and lay in the fetal position under the blankets. I still needed mom. My mom's elderly mom in Nigeria still needed mom; my mom was her only child.
My mom died on October 16, 2008. Life was very hard after my mom's diagnosis, and one key event tarred my love of Quebec, and hence, the french people. After an event with a taxi dispatcher(I never had such a bad experience in Ottawa or Ontario for that fact) during the turbulent times of my mom's illness, my love affair with Montreal, the french people and the french language vanished. With my mom dying, my Montreal french dream was becoming a nightmare I wished that I could wake up from. To deal with this horrible nightmare, I turned to my drug of choice, food. Food was my happiness and my comfort. I tried to complete my studies in the allocated time; my original completion date was supposed to be December 2010, but I could not do it alone. Two months after I first started blogging about my weight loss journey, I had to withdraw from my dietetics studies in March 2010 to recuperate.
Fast forward to today. Things are much better. I have worked through alot of obstacles and I am reuniting with dietetics. This week, I received final confirmation that my husband(who I married six months after my mom's death) should be reunited with me in June after an excruciatingly long immigration process, and an excruciatingly long time apart(I last saw him in August 2009). I am back on the path to exercise and wellness, though I am still looking for a summer job. It does not help that my french is not that good; you need french for pretty much every job in Quebec. Learning french had to be put on a back-burner to focus on other things.
And, as I continued to watch the cyclists whizz by, I let the emotions flow over me. My cynicism gave way to sorrow, sorrow that cancer had taken away both my parents. People cheered on the cyclists, and the cyclists whizzed by in appreciation. They were full of hope, and later, I began to hope that no matter how stupid the hope was, that there would one day be a cure or cures for cancers of all sorts. A cyclist passing by, gave me a high five. My dad's last words to my mom on his death bed were "Don't lose hope!". It is indeed important to not lose hope in our daily struggles because hope, no matter how stupid it is, is better than the alternative, despair. Despair had destroyed my joie-de-vivre, my zeal for life, and without hope, my tough times felt even harder, and I turned to food to comfort me.
A little girl had been watching the cyclists, young and old whizz by. Some time later, she and a few of her friends donned their helments, mounted their bikes and joined the throng of cyclists with much enthusiasm. Later on, after I finished my grocery shopping, I sat on a bench and watched the passersby, enjoyed the sights and sounds of my Quebec neighbourhood, and joined the "throng" of passersby in enjoying the day. A few of the cyclists on the tour had exclaimed, "Vivre le Quebec!", and I too now raised my heart to echo that same sentiment.
xoxo, Fat dietitian-to-be
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Plan B
So, it's been a little over a week since I started my exercise program. It must have been a breeze, you may think, after reading my pre-exercise pep talk last week...NOT! It's been hard, even for just one week. I guess the saying is true; you need to take it one day at a time.
The first three days were good; I did my walk-jog, reaching my "finish line" quicker each time. On the fourth day, I could not do my walk-jog because my legs were really sore. I had totally forgotten that it is EXTREMELY important to warm up, and even more important to cool down after a walk-jog. I did not fare much better on Day 5. I was dealing with a draining emotional issue. To top it all, I ate a lunch of french fries and fried chicken, and while watching a movie a little later, I downed a big bag of popcorn that I had purchased at the movie rental store. When I went for my walk-run about 2-3 hours later, I did not have the stamina I needed to accomplish the goal that I had set for my first week of alternating walking for 2 minutes with jogging for 2 minutes during my walk-jogs. My stamina is the pits so I can't jog for an extended time without my heart yelling at me to stop. Anyways, post my junk food-emotional turmoil bonanza, I could not even keep up with my measly 2 min walk-2 min jog pace. I chalked it up to my emotional tiredness, but more so, my junk food habit that afternoon.
Fast forward to today; Day 8- I did not exercise today. I had been hoping to do an upper-body pilates workout at home to tone my arms(my legs are getting stronger and more defined, but running does not do much for my arms, so they are crying out for some attention), but I ended up taking an early evening nap, and not wanting to exercise. "Why?", you may ask. Blame it on the blues. The person who had interviewed me for my entertainment job had told me that I would be receiving a call from the appointment booker this past Monday to give me some shifts for the week, but I received no such call. By about 4 p.m. Monday, when I still had not heard from the booker, I called the interviewer, and he told me that the booker was still away from the office, unexpectedly, and he would be back this week, maybe.
Have I told you how much I hate uncertainty? I hate it like the plague. Anyways, the entertainment company I got a job with is a big one, so I am not afraid of it being a shady company with shady work conditions, hours, etc.; however, I cannot stand the laissez-faire attitude of the company; an attitude which I definitely perceived, at the interview. After that interview, I had continued my job search, but was unsuccessful, so I decided to try and enjoy my time off before my May 15ish start date with the company. I was only able to let go of my apprehension because my husband offered to lend me money for my June rent. I had been so dismayed about the job starting no earlier than May 17th because I was worried my first pay cheque would arrive Friday June 3rd, a couple of days after my rent cheque is due. The threat of eviction loomed in my mind, and it was not unfounded. Last October, I had paid my rent late because my student loan arrived late, and I received an eviction warning from my landlord.
So ... I am bummed out that I am not working yet, and it has impacted my workouts. On Monday(Day 6), I did not gather myself to work out until later in the evening, when it was getting dark. Running along the canal was totally out of the question as a result, so I walked up and down the two central flights of stairs of my apartment about 27 times, making my flights climbed, 54. My apartment building has no elevator, just the central stairs from the main entrance, and this staircase is in full view, complete with wall to ceiling windows facing it, so I don't have any safety concerns. Man, was it a workout! The next day(Day 6), I ended up downtown walking in between errands and the library to do some job search and applications. It was a bit of a workout, though my legs still felt sore from previous workouts.
On Wednesday(Day 7), I was feeling bummed out again about my job prospects. My french skills are not that good, and it appears that in Montreal, you need french for just about every job, including painting, landscaping, and other manual jobs. Even housekeeping jobs were having catches. I had seen this promising job advertised on craigslist seeking a female to do some light housework such as vacuuming, dusting, every two weeks. "I can do that!", I thought. It was looking good up until I read the part that said job required the female to work TOPLESS! O.K.....I might be having trouble finding work, but that????
Anyways, spoke with hubby, and he told me not to be discouraged. I had trouble following his advice. I went to my bedroom, took a little nap, listened to the radio, and began feeling better; however, it was getting dark outside so I could not go for my walk-jog. I opted for Plan B; climbing the stairs of my apartment building. I climbed about 50 flights, then called it quits. Lesson learned this week? Have a plan B for all the plans in your life, even exercise!
xoxo,
Fat-Dietitian-to-be
The first three days were good; I did my walk-jog, reaching my "finish line" quicker each time. On the fourth day, I could not do my walk-jog because my legs were really sore. I had totally forgotten that it is EXTREMELY important to warm up, and even more important to cool down after a walk-jog. I did not fare much better on Day 5. I was dealing with a draining emotional issue. To top it all, I ate a lunch of french fries and fried chicken, and while watching a movie a little later, I downed a big bag of popcorn that I had purchased at the movie rental store. When I went for my walk-run about 2-3 hours later, I did not have the stamina I needed to accomplish the goal that I had set for my first week of alternating walking for 2 minutes with jogging for 2 minutes during my walk-jogs. My stamina is the pits so I can't jog for an extended time without my heart yelling at me to stop. Anyways, post my junk food-emotional turmoil bonanza, I could not even keep up with my measly 2 min walk-2 min jog pace. I chalked it up to my emotional tiredness, but more so, my junk food habit that afternoon.
Fast forward to today; Day 8- I did not exercise today. I had been hoping to do an upper-body pilates workout at home to tone my arms(my legs are getting stronger and more defined, but running does not do much for my arms, so they are crying out for some attention), but I ended up taking an early evening nap, and not wanting to exercise. "Why?", you may ask. Blame it on the blues. The person who had interviewed me for my entertainment job had told me that I would be receiving a call from the appointment booker this past Monday to give me some shifts for the week, but I received no such call. By about 4 p.m. Monday, when I still had not heard from the booker, I called the interviewer, and he told me that the booker was still away from the office, unexpectedly, and he would be back this week, maybe.
Have I told you how much I hate uncertainty? I hate it like the plague. Anyways, the entertainment company I got a job with is a big one, so I am not afraid of it being a shady company with shady work conditions, hours, etc.; however, I cannot stand the laissez-faire attitude of the company; an attitude which I definitely perceived, at the interview. After that interview, I had continued my job search, but was unsuccessful, so I decided to try and enjoy my time off before my May 15ish start date with the company. I was only able to let go of my apprehension because my husband offered to lend me money for my June rent. I had been so dismayed about the job starting no earlier than May 17th because I was worried my first pay cheque would arrive Friday June 3rd, a couple of days after my rent cheque is due. The threat of eviction loomed in my mind, and it was not unfounded. Last October, I had paid my rent late because my student loan arrived late, and I received an eviction warning from my landlord.
So ... I am bummed out that I am not working yet, and it has impacted my workouts. On Monday(Day 6), I did not gather myself to work out until later in the evening, when it was getting dark. Running along the canal was totally out of the question as a result, so I walked up and down the two central flights of stairs of my apartment about 27 times, making my flights climbed, 54. My apartment building has no elevator, just the central stairs from the main entrance, and this staircase is in full view, complete with wall to ceiling windows facing it, so I don't have any safety concerns. Man, was it a workout! The next day(Day 6), I ended up downtown walking in between errands and the library to do some job search and applications. It was a bit of a workout, though my legs still felt sore from previous workouts.
On Wednesday(Day 7), I was feeling bummed out again about my job prospects. My french skills are not that good, and it appears that in Montreal, you need french for just about every job, including painting, landscaping, and other manual jobs. Even housekeeping jobs were having catches. I had seen this promising job advertised on craigslist seeking a female to do some light housework such as vacuuming, dusting, every two weeks. "I can do that!", I thought. It was looking good up until I read the part that said job required the female to work TOPLESS! O.K.....I might be having trouble finding work, but that????
Anyways, spoke with hubby, and he told me not to be discouraged. I had trouble following his advice. I went to my bedroom, took a little nap, listened to the radio, and began feeling better; however, it was getting dark outside so I could not go for my walk-jog. I opted for Plan B; climbing the stairs of my apartment building. I climbed about 50 flights, then called it quits. Lesson learned this week? Have a plan B for all the plans in your life, even exercise!
xoxo,
Fat-Dietitian-to-be
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Started...
Came back from my walk-run-jog. Had a bit of a rocky start. Went to bed relatively early around 12:30 a.m, but did not actually sleep until an hour or so later. Anyways, my body really must have needed the jog. I got up around 8:00 a.m, more than 30 minutes before my alarm was supposed to sound. Toasted a bagel and added some peanut butter, brushed my teeth and put some sunscreen on in preparation for my jog about an hour later. I figure if I don't get hit by a bus, or get involved in some other accident, it will be colon cancer, or perhaps skin cancer that will do me in.
As I got ready to head out, I proceeded to snap my little jogging pack which carries my keys around my waist. Rude awakening- it does not fit my waist anymore. Luckily, I had another jogging pack, a cheap one as a give-away from a local TV station in Ottawa, and that one has much more belt width to it.
I had a good walk-run-jog. I feel a sense of accomplishment and my legs, and surprisingly, my abs, feel stronger. I feel relaxed, happy, less bothered by trouble neighbours, and ready to take on the world. By the way, on a Montreal radio station today, this was breaking news: an 83 year old man was one of the murder suspects in the death of a 70 year old man in the Hochelaga-Maissoneuve district of Montreal. The other suspect was a 60 year old man. They were all neighbours, and a heated argument had broken out. Wow! Wish we could all live in peace. I've had my share of neighbour woes and wars living in Montreal. Here's hoping for a better world.
xoxo,
Fat dietitian-to-be
As I got ready to head out, I proceeded to snap my little jogging pack which carries my keys around my waist. Rude awakening- it does not fit my waist anymore. Luckily, I had another jogging pack, a cheap one as a give-away from a local TV station in Ottawa, and that one has much more belt width to it.
I had a good walk-run-jog. I feel a sense of accomplishment and my legs, and surprisingly, my abs, feel stronger. I feel relaxed, happy, less bothered by trouble neighbours, and ready to take on the world. By the way, on a Montreal radio station today, this was breaking news: an 83 year old man was one of the murder suspects in the death of a 70 year old man in the Hochelaga-Maissoneuve district of Montreal. The other suspect was a 60 year old man. They were all neighbours, and a heated argument had broken out. Wow! Wish we could all live in peace. I've had my share of neighbour woes and wars living in Montreal. Here's hoping for a better world.
xoxo,
Fat dietitian-to-be
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Killers of Time, Health and may I say, wealth?
Woke up quite late today. Had planned to go roller-blading; which was to have been my first roller blading experience since I moved to Montreal more than three years ago. My reason for getting up so late; watching internet TV up to the wee hours of the morning. However, getting up late was a blessing in disguise. After beating myself up mentally for not following through on rollerblading along the Lachine Canal, I used the time to meditate.
I and many others use tv and the internet to self-medicate after a stressful day, or in my case, the last three years of never-ending stressful events and situations. Once I turn off the internet or tv, I am left with nothing; wandering alone in my thoughts and emotions, alone in my "new" apartment, which I had hoped I would be sharing with my husband by now. By the way, he is still in the UK. We've been married two years now, but have been living those years apart due to immigration woes; we may as well be newly-weds. The immigration process has been so slow and torturous that I have needed to numb my emotions and needs to get through it all.
I began thinking of how I never seem to have the time to exercise. Exercise could do wonders for me; lose weight in order to decrease my risks of diabetes and heart disease(now that I am obese, my risks are high), feel more self-confident(I used to wear size seven or eight pants, but this spring when I went to Reitman's to shop for work pants for my clinical nutrition placement at the hospital, I was having trouble fitting into size fifteen pants; I finally found two pairs in the entire store that fit me...Reitmans only carries up to size 15; any more weight gain and I will have to start shopping at Plus size stores:(.
Losing weight will also help me feel more authentic in my nutrition placements, and ultimately, my nutrition career. Luckily for me, I was doing a medical nutrition specialty at my last placement, and the common theme for most of my patients was that they had lost weight unintentionally and needed to gain weight to improve their health so I felt more comfortable counselling them. But imagine if I had needed to counsel them on losing weight? My credibility would have been shot. However, I still felt a lack of credibilty at my placement when I introduced myselft to new colleagues as a nutrition student. I intentionally did not introduce myself as a dietitics student, partly because I felt ashamed of my portrayal of a "dietetics" student as being obese.
Exercise will also help me be strong and fit, and be able to do things such as walk up three flights of stairs without getting winded. It will also help me do well at and keep my summer job. Next week, I will be starting work as an inflatable games technician at an entertainment company. I chose the job because it would entail being outdoors, enjoying the Montreal summer weather, being physically active and giving my brain some rest after the huge learning curve I experienced, particlarly during my clinical nutrition placement, and have enough brain reserves to do some summer study in preparation for my final placement in the fall.
Exercise will also help me put my struggles over the last three years in perspective. The last three years have been long and tiring, but I have persevered. Running long distance, which I plan to take up this summer will serve as a metaphor for my life, and indeed the spiritual race we all face our entire life until our time is done and we are called to meet our Creator. By running long distance, I hope to build my spiritual self, and use running as a stepping stone to having a good spiritual life.
Exercise outdoors will also help me feel less isolated. Instead of being stuck behind concrete walls, I will be outside enjoying nature, particularly the waters of the Lachine canal as I run or rollerblade beside it. Nature, particularly water, has a very calming influence on me. Having gone through so much in my relatively young life what others twice my age have not yet gone through, I need some much deserved respite from the storm.
So, back to tv and internet being wasters of time. I love watching tv on the internet and facebooking, and can spend hours surfing random info. Yet once I turn the internet off, I am left with myself, my loneliness, my self-loathe at my weight gain, my not fitting into my old clothes, and the list goes on. Plus, I am left with the fact that time has passed. So, the question is this: What do I want to have accomplished, to feel, at the end of the day, and how best can I meet those goals? The answer I have is this: Turn off the internet, then I'll have no more excuses. I'll have all the time in the world I need to accomplish my goals and I'll feel better at the end of the day.
If you think about it, 1oo years ago, people did not have television, not to mention all the other techno gadgets of our times, internet, video games, cars etc, so they needed to go outside, walk or bicycle to work, and interact with others in order to pay the bills, meet their friends, and just prevent plain old boredom. In doing so, they were unknowingly taking care of themselves physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. In today's world, we have to make a conscious effort to get outside and get moving. So turn off your tv, your internet, your techno gadgets etc, and go outside and walk, run, roller-blade, horse-back ride, whatever suits your fancy. Your mind, body and soul will thank you for it.
xoxo
Fat-Dietitian-to-be
I and many others use tv and the internet to self-medicate after a stressful day, or in my case, the last three years of never-ending stressful events and situations. Once I turn off the internet or tv, I am left with nothing; wandering alone in my thoughts and emotions, alone in my "new" apartment, which I had hoped I would be sharing with my husband by now. By the way, he is still in the UK. We've been married two years now, but have been living those years apart due to immigration woes; we may as well be newly-weds. The immigration process has been so slow and torturous that I have needed to numb my emotions and needs to get through it all.
I began thinking of how I never seem to have the time to exercise. Exercise could do wonders for me; lose weight in order to decrease my risks of diabetes and heart disease(now that I am obese, my risks are high), feel more self-confident(I used to wear size seven or eight pants, but this spring when I went to Reitman's to shop for work pants for my clinical nutrition placement at the hospital, I was having trouble fitting into size fifteen pants; I finally found two pairs in the entire store that fit me...Reitmans only carries up to size 15; any more weight gain and I will have to start shopping at Plus size stores:(.
Losing weight will also help me feel more authentic in my nutrition placements, and ultimately, my nutrition career. Luckily for me, I was doing a medical nutrition specialty at my last placement, and the common theme for most of my patients was that they had lost weight unintentionally and needed to gain weight to improve their health so I felt more comfortable counselling them. But imagine if I had needed to counsel them on losing weight? My credibility would have been shot. However, I still felt a lack of credibilty at my placement when I introduced myselft to new colleagues as a nutrition student. I intentionally did not introduce myself as a dietitics student, partly because I felt ashamed of my portrayal of a "dietetics" student as being obese.
Exercise will also help me be strong and fit, and be able to do things such as walk up three flights of stairs without getting winded. It will also help me do well at and keep my summer job. Next week, I will be starting work as an inflatable games technician at an entertainment company. I chose the job because it would entail being outdoors, enjoying the Montreal summer weather, being physically active and giving my brain some rest after the huge learning curve I experienced, particlarly during my clinical nutrition placement, and have enough brain reserves to do some summer study in preparation for my final placement in the fall.
Exercise will also help me put my struggles over the last three years in perspective. The last three years have been long and tiring, but I have persevered. Running long distance, which I plan to take up this summer will serve as a metaphor for my life, and indeed the spiritual race we all face our entire life until our time is done and we are called to meet our Creator. By running long distance, I hope to build my spiritual self, and use running as a stepping stone to having a good spiritual life.
Exercise outdoors will also help me feel less isolated. Instead of being stuck behind concrete walls, I will be outside enjoying nature, particularly the waters of the Lachine canal as I run or rollerblade beside it. Nature, particularly water, has a very calming influence on me. Having gone through so much in my relatively young life what others twice my age have not yet gone through, I need some much deserved respite from the storm.
So, back to tv and internet being wasters of time. I love watching tv on the internet and facebooking, and can spend hours surfing random info. Yet once I turn the internet off, I am left with myself, my loneliness, my self-loathe at my weight gain, my not fitting into my old clothes, and the list goes on. Plus, I am left with the fact that time has passed. So, the question is this: What do I want to have accomplished, to feel, at the end of the day, and how best can I meet those goals? The answer I have is this: Turn off the internet, then I'll have no more excuses. I'll have all the time in the world I need to accomplish my goals and I'll feel better at the end of the day.
If you think about it, 1oo years ago, people did not have television, not to mention all the other techno gadgets of our times, internet, video games, cars etc, so they needed to go outside, walk or bicycle to work, and interact with others in order to pay the bills, meet their friends, and just prevent plain old boredom. In doing so, they were unknowingly taking care of themselves physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. In today's world, we have to make a conscious effort to get outside and get moving. So turn off your tv, your internet, your techno gadgets etc, and go outside and walk, run, roller-blade, horse-back ride, whatever suits your fancy. Your mind, body and soul will thank you for it.
xoxo
Fat-Dietitian-to-be
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Back....again!
Back again after a year-long hiatus... Losing my mom and the aftermath really took a toll on me and my passion for dietetics... lost my steam and motivation... but am now back with renewed committment and motivation to continue on my path to being a dietitian....My mom had felt that my dad died of colon cancer because he did not eat vegetables, yet despite my mom's eating habits and trying to take care of herself, she got colon cancer and died and that really shook my belief that nutrition is the cure-all, particularly for cancer.
Am much wiser now...nutrition definitely has a clear role in diabetes and heart disease, but if you want to hedge your bets on not dying of cancer, early detection is definitely very important. Get your colonoscopy if you are 50 and over. If you are black, you need to get your first colonoscopy even earlier, at the age of 45. If you had a parent who died of colon cancer, you need to get your first colonoscopy at an even earlier age. DO NOT SAY "there is no history of colon cancer in my family". For all intensive purposes, there was no history of colon cancer, at least before the age of 70 in both my parent's parents, yet my parents both got colon cancer and died from it. Just to let you know, my mom's father died at the age of 88, and my mom's mother died at the age of 93 in 2010, two years after my mom, who was her only child, died.
Anyways, enough about the cancer talk....Weighed close to 200 pounds(the dreaded 200 pound benchmark I never thought in my wildest dreams I would get so close to) a couple weeks ago, then got sick with strep-throat or something....not fun. My tonsils were so inflamed that I had to eat really soft food and clear fluids. Did not enjoy my celebratory pizza at the end of my clinical nutrition rotation- the crust irritated my tonsils. Could not even drink my routine pink lemonade...the fiber particles of the pink lemonade irritated my tonsils, even more than the fibre of my orange juice(pulp added)... Go figure. "Dined" on really soft and liquid oatmeal, chicken broth with noodles(I had no chicken in it). What a bland week... did not enjoy my food much. Oh well... it did wonders for my weight(along with the fever which increased my metabolism). Weighed myself a few days ago and was 189 pounds even though I was having my period(I tend to gain weight during my period). Planning to get back on the weight loss bandwagon soon. Keep you posted.
Am much wiser now...nutrition definitely has a clear role in diabetes and heart disease, but if you want to hedge your bets on not dying of cancer, early detection is definitely very important. Get your colonoscopy if you are 50 and over. If you are black, you need to get your first colonoscopy even earlier, at the age of 45. If you had a parent who died of colon cancer, you need to get your first colonoscopy at an even earlier age. DO NOT SAY "there is no history of colon cancer in my family". For all intensive purposes, there was no history of colon cancer, at least before the age of 70 in both my parent's parents, yet my parents both got colon cancer and died from it. Just to let you know, my mom's father died at the age of 88, and my mom's mother died at the age of 93 in 2010, two years after my mom, who was her only child, died.
Anyways, enough about the cancer talk....Weighed close to 200 pounds(the dreaded 200 pound benchmark I never thought in my wildest dreams I would get so close to) a couple weeks ago, then got sick with strep-throat or something....not fun. My tonsils were so inflamed that I had to eat really soft food and clear fluids. Did not enjoy my celebratory pizza at the end of my clinical nutrition rotation- the crust irritated my tonsils. Could not even drink my routine pink lemonade...the fiber particles of the pink lemonade irritated my tonsils, even more than the fibre of my orange juice(pulp added)... Go figure. "Dined" on really soft and liquid oatmeal, chicken broth with noodles(I had no chicken in it). What a bland week... did not enjoy my food much. Oh well... it did wonders for my weight(along with the fever which increased my metabolism). Weighed myself a few days ago and was 189 pounds even though I was having my period(I tend to gain weight during my period). Planning to get back on the weight loss bandwagon soon. Keep you posted.
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